Finding Your Tribe

Humans were created to be social creatures and interating with others is important to our well being. That’s why many of us suffer from social anxiety, because we know the stakes are so high. We need people. And not just any people. We need a tribe. Our tribe. I think every single person alive needs a tribe but your tribal needs are going to be very different from mine or anyone elses.

So let’s define a tribe as a social support network. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to use your tribe like your therapist and tell them all your problems. (Although, those are powerful tribes, most of us are not lucky enough to have one like that.) Your tribe could be the people that keep you from sitting alone at your child’s school functions or some people you jive the best with at church. They could be your family members or just a bunch of strangers on Reditt.

Looking for a Bestie

In my early twenties I went on a hunt for a best friend. I looked for a few years and when I finally found her I learned something very important. She was about my age, we worked at the same place, she and I had eerily similar families and husbands and shared the same interests. But she wanted me to exclude someone I had already befriended. This person was not at all like me. She had children, I didn’t. She was much older than me. We had very little in common but the conversation was good and it didn’t feel right to exclude her.

So I made the hard decision to let go of my “best friend” I had waited years for. It was a good decision. The other woman and I ended up going to college together and we both were there for each other when we really needed someone. I learned that friends don’t always look like you think they should.

I stopped looking for friends that were “ideal” and started meeting people where they were. I found that ever since then I’ve started gravitating toward much older friendships. I also enjoy associating with very young people. It’s the people in the middle I have trouble jiving with for some reason.

Identifying My Tribe

Recently I learned something else important about friendships. Over the years of homeschool meetings I’ve been to I’ve tried to make friends with the homeschool moms. It’s a hard situation to navigate because it depends largely on your children. How old they are, their interests, and which meet-ups they want to attend. These things determine if nurturing those friendships is worth your time and effort. I had a few women in the group that I clicked with and wanted to pursue lasting friendships with but there were always barriers, some real, some I made up in my head.

Then one day I met with several of the moms and we sat in a group and talked a few hours. It made me sad that they had grown so close and I wasn’t close with any of them. But I realized it was because I didn’t do anything to nurture those relationships. I asked myself why and the answer enlightened me. They live too far away for one thing. It would be difficult for me to do things with them on a regular basis. Some of them live very close to each other and their chidlren get together a lot. They share garden produce and talk about farming regularly. I don’t have a farm. I’m one of the few moms in the group that doesn’t have a farm, or a goat, or make their own kombucha. They fit well with the vibe of the tribe and I don’t.

So where did that leave me? If they weren’t the tribe that I wanted to invest in, where was my tribe? Being a writer is a lonely existence. You are often much closer with the characters you make up in your head than real people, but everyone needs a tribe. I realized then that you are my tribe. Yes, you! The people who read my work and comment on it. The people who email me back every week on the Christian Book Finds newsletter list. You are my tribe. You’re my social support. When I have a question I ask you. And you answer. It doesn’t take the place of a best friend, but it does provide the social support I need to keep me going. So I learned that tribes don’t always look like you think they should.

Nurturing Your Tribe

So if you’re my tribe, what’s the best way to improve my connection with you? Write more and hope for more comments. I’m going to write a web novel and my hope is that the comment section of each episode will be just as interesting as the actual text. I want to foster good Christian discussions about important topics, not for debate, but for learning and contemplating how we can all live better lives. That exictes me and that’s a tribe I want to join and invest my energy into growing.

If you’re a Christian author writing a web novel or if you’ve read a Christian web novel and want to talk about how it’s done I’d love to chat.